


Always

by HiddenTrekker



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s05e26 Equinox, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 05:51:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14349267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiddenTrekker/pseuds/HiddenTrekker
Summary: Kathryn is hurting after the events from The Equinox and her actions. Her First Officer comes to talk to her.





	Always

                Captain Kathryn Janeway stepped through the doors of her quarters and breathed a sigh of relief before the tears started.

The last few days chasing down Captain Ruddy Ransom had been the hardest and most shameful days of her entire Starfleet career. She walked across to the viewport opposite her, shedding her uniform jacket as she went. She stood there, silently, hot tears of shame and hurt flowing freely from her clear blue eyes. She watched her reflection in the window; her Captain’s pips glinted in the starlight, taunting her. She pulled them off one by one and threw them down on the coffee table behind her.

                The rank she had been so proud to hold only 48 hours before now felt like a burden on her shoulders. Captain Ransom’s actions had shown her that she had been right all those years ago to hold fast to the Starfleet principles, even if that choice had also cost her as a person, the Captain had remained intact.

                Kathryn angrily wiped the tears away; she was over the self indulgence that she had momentarily allowed herself. It was time to rebuild the walls around Kathryn again and let Captain Janeway take over again. As she did so memories bombarded her mind, her argument with Chakotay had broken them, both as Captain and Commander and as Kathryn and Chakotay. She had relieved him from duty for just trying to do his job. She had been blinded by anger at Ransom, the fear of seeing Chakotay so hurt trying to protect her from the aliens and so set on revenge against the Equinox crew for treatment of that same species, to the point that she had almost killed Noah Lessing rather than admit she had gone too far and had needed Chakotay to pull her back from the brink of personal and professional destruction.

                Her door chimed. She knew it would be him, they had spoken briefly on the Bridge, she had attempted to make an offer of an apology but she knew he needed to discuss it with her further, they both did.

                “Come” She called, her eyes glancing up to see his shape silhouetted by the light in the corridor against the window. “Come in Chakotay.” He stepped through and again her quarters were bathed in darkness, the only light coming from the stars and the console on the replicator.

                “I came to see how you are Kathryn” He said, purposely using her name instead of rank, wanting to talk to his friend rather than his commanding officer.

                “I could stand here and lie to you, tell you that I am fine, but I know you won’t believe me... I don’t think I would even believe myself.” Kathryn admitted.

                “Then don’t lie” He stated, moving closer to her, but maintaining more distance than he usually did. She could feel his presence but the warmth that she relied on from him was gone, the cool ship air was proof of it.

                “I don’t know how to feel Chakotay.” Kathryn looked down and reached up to massage her temples, a headache threatening to overwhelm her.

                “We have plenty of time” He said, echoing words he had spoken to her before when her personal world had crumbled with Mark’s letter, now that her professional world was threatened he still wanted her to know he would support her.

                “What I did to you was wrong, Chakotay. You were only trying to protect me from myself and I relieved you of duty for doing your job. I was so blinded by everything that I couldn’t see that.” She admitted, lifting her head again to look at his silhouette.

                “It’s OK Kathryn, it was a tense situation, for all of us.” He put his hands on his hips.

                Kathryn shook her head, she knew he would do this, give her an out for her actions towards him, he always did. It was one of the things that she both loved and hated about him. She missed someone to hold herself accountable too, all these years being the highest ranking officer in Starfleet had worn thin on her. At first she had hated it and used Tuvok’s sound advice and wisdom, then after a while she had felt more comfortable with it and felt she could forge a new path ahead for her crew, the alliance for the Borg had been a test of that command control though, now she felt herself getting lost in it all.

                “You are giving me an out again” She quipped, trying to sound more stable than she felt at that moment.

                “No, I am just stating a fact. We were all a little tense back then.” He took a step closer to her again, this time he could feel the warmth of her body. “It was harder on you though Captain, finally having someone who is an equal to you, someone you can truly let yourself be Kathryn with and not have to worry about rank with, only for that person to be the complete opposite of you and manipulating everything that you hold so dear.”

                Kathryn straightened at the use of her rank; she turned to face him for the first time since he had entered her quarters. “I have always had that person; I didn’t need Ransom to fill a place in my life that is already so expertly occupied.” She put her hand on his chest; her body language speaking the words that she could not say. Chakotay reached up and covered her hand with his, taken as usual with the stark contrast between them, her skin so pale against his bronze, returning the unspoken message.

                “I don’t know what made me snap like that.” She said.

                “Kathryn, you’re lying to yourself again, and you know it.” Chakotay stated, taking her to task again as he normally did. “You were OK until we were attacked on the Bridge, what happened? I’m a little blurry after I saw that alien heading for you.”

                “You shot it, but there was another behind you, I was too slow to return the favour and it knocked you down, partly because I was on the floor myself. I managed to get up and raise the shields again to stop them coming through and ran to check on you.” Her voice faltered, “I was so scared that you were dead... and that it was my fault.” A tear fell from her eye and slid down her cheek; Chakotay reached up and wiped it away, his thumb lightly caressing her cheek.

                “I’m alright Kathryn, we both are. Besides if it is anyone’s fault that we were being attacked by those aliens it was Ransom and his crews, we were just caught in the crossfire between them.” His hand remained on her cheek, subtly forcing her to keep eye contact with him. Kathryn leaned in to his hand slightly, silently drawing strength from him.

                “I was the reason that we got involved in the first place, I always am” She whispered.

                “We all agreed with you, we all wanted to help the Equinox but sometimes these things go wrong and there is nothing that anyone, even the great Captain Janeway, can do to stop it.” He smiled at her, trying to bring her out of the negative headspace she was currently occupying.

                “I don’t know what I would have done if that alien had hurt you. Seeing you laying there on the deck was hard enough.” She admitted to herself. “I think that was when I decided that it had to end, one way or another... I saw red.”

                “I thought as much, you suddenly seemed to lose all sense of what you were doing, like anger took over as your driving force.”

                “I couldn’t stop myself... I almost killed Noah Lessing!” She exclaimed, suddenly realising how far over the line she had been willing to go, and for what, the loss of a friend, the loss of control that Ransom had shown. She had almost followed him down that dark path, if it hadn’t been for Chakotay pulling him out of the Cargo bay then she would have. Kathryn pulled back from Chakotay, not wanting to feel his strength; she didn’t deserve him or his forgiveness that he was so willingly able to give her.

                “But you didn’t” He stated

                “No, you didn’t let me... there is a difference.” She said, “If you hadn’t of gone in that Cargo bay, he would be dead and I would be no better than Ransom and his crew... and what did I do to repay you, I turned away from you, even relieved you of duty!” She had known that would hurt him at the time. During their time with the Borg they had agreed never to turn away from each other again, that they were stronger together and failed if they were apart and yet at the first sign that he wasn’t agreeing with her, she had turned her back on him and taken his position at her side away. She had taken his pride away, his peace.

                “I have always been there to protect you Kathryn, and sometimes that means protecting you from yourself... in other ways that getting you to eat and sleep, or go easy on the coffee.” He smiled, again trying to lighten her mood.

                Kathryn looked in to his warm chocolate eyes and tried to find any trace of the animosity that she thought he should be feeling in them, upon seeing none she smiled at him, but it didn’t reach her eyes. They were still filled with the pain and regret that she was feeling over her actions over the last 2 days.

                “I don’t know what I would do without you Chakotay, and I am glad that I don’t have to find out... that’s if you still want to be my First Officer?”

                “Of course, I have told you countless times that we do this together.” He reached for her hand, which she happily gave him, “And you won’t have to do this without me as your First Officer... or as your friend”

                Kathryn smiled at him, again feeling thankful for his presence in her life and at her side where he had been from almost the first moment of their journey through the Delta Quadrant. She was thankful for his silent strength and his vocal faith in her and in them as a command team. Without thinking she leaned forward and placed a soft kiss against him lips before murmuring to him, “Always”


End file.
